Tag Archives: hope

Without Her

A little over three years ago I suffered a loss that took my breath away. It literally swept my feet from under me and changed the way I saw the world. Grief is like no other feeling on earth.  It is vast and deep and terrifying. Until you have lost someone who is so much a part of you, and so much a part of your world that the rooms in your soul echo after they leave, you cannot begin to imagine the coiling monster that is grief.

My sister passed away unexpectedly at the age of twenty four. The cause was not known at the time, and an autopsy took months, but still came back largely inconclusive. In the months between her death and the autopsy results, my family lived in limbo. There was no closure, no real explanation – just time passing, without her.

Losing my sister shook me to the core. It raised questions that I had never considered. It brought my own mortality into view. Whoever you are and however you view the world – at some point something is bound to turn your focus to the big questions. Why are we here? What is the meaning of life? What happens after death? What is our purpose?

The big questions never baffled me when I was younger. I held easy and confident answers for all of them. Knowledge and experience are very different animals. All the philosophy in the world won’t bail you out when you are sinking.

For months I lived in a world of questions, platitudes and terrible advice. The things that people say in these circumstances are senseless and horrible. I was told to be glad I had her for that short while at least. They say that time heals all wounds. You need to put it behind you and go on living, people advised. It was her time to die.

Three years (and a bit) later, I can say with absolute certainty that time does not heal all wounds. The body is so much easier to heal than the spirit. When it is a matter of tissue and blood and bone, healing is a natural progression. The spirit does not simply clot and form a scar tissue by itself. You actually have to do the work.

It took me a long time to find the bottom of what I had thought was bottomless grief. Layer after layer I searched for answers, and only unearthed more questions.  When I finally made it through the sadness, hopelessness, bartering, guilt, rage and fury of the many stages of grief, I discovered the journey was directly into the center of my existence, and the road back was a process of examination of everything I knew. It was a road composed of the big questions.

Strangely enough, my answers to the big questions are the same now as I would have given a decade ago. They have not changed, just grown in perspective and conviction. Time has not healed my wounds. There are wounds that never heal. The nature of our existence is experience. What we believe in theory often holds true when we must live it. It is the living that matters.

I believe that when we die our bodies return to the earth. I believe that the essence of our being lives on. Energy does not cease to exist. She is in every sunrise, every blade of grass, every bird call and every star in the sky.

We live on, but never without her.

page-break

kpKatie P is writer, reader, drummer and certifiable nature nut. She lives rural New Brunswick, where she spends far too much time frolicking in the bulrushes. She also blogs at Wyldwomyn.ca

1 Comment

Filed under Katie P

Beware the Ides of March

As I look out my window, the rain is falling. Hard. We’re expecting a deluge that already has my yard reminiscing about it’s time as a marsh. Some would say the weather is dreary enough to echo that famous warning to Julius Caesar “Beware the ides of March”. For those who are not familiar with the tale, the ides of March is the 15th of March, the day this will be posted, and in 44 BCE Julius Caesar was assassinated on the ides of March. History lesson aside, it’s an easy time to feel deluged in all that has come and all that will be. It is a dark, dreary tone foreclosing on the ending of a long dark season. But for every grey cloud, there is, as they say, a silver lining.

Spring is just around the corner, thoughts of the coming celebrations and the growing seasons; a renewal of hope dance in my thoughts. This past season has been personally a hard one with illness and stress dogging my steps.  I’m sure I am not alone in this. It seems that this transitional phase between Winter and Spring has been particularly difficult on many. In spite of the dreariness I am choosing to remain positive. I’ve started (albeit slowly) to get into some course work I had been waiting for, and my yen for summer to arrive grows with the changing of the seasons. I’ve begun plans for a small vegetable garden, herbs, and flowers as well. In light of my springing forward, if you will, into the new season here is a poem to bring about the mood. Realizing we are still quite far from Summer, the Spring brings hope of these things to come.

Summer Shine

I love that summer shine
you know it
The sun so hot
the grass so cool
you just want to sit
in the shade just right
under the willow
The clouds so high
and barely there
you wish you could dive
into the blue sky
so inviting in the day
When the night comes
the stars shimmer so clear
the moon kisses them
until they disappear
into another summer shine day
No breeze to fly a kite
the hum of insects
frogs croaking
birds chirping
today is the day
of that summer shine
The reflection off the lake
strikes the eyes
and makes you blind
to that child that splashes
the water on you
It freezes and feels so good
Tip toe over the hot road
feet in the sand
make it to the beach
When the summer shine ends
the bonfire full roars
at that full moon
They sing and dance
filling the night
with an intensity
until the next
summer shine

As a Pagan, the thought of singing and dancing beneath that full moon fills me up with hope and instills a more positive mindset. In this dreary day of rain and darkness, I hold close to me my summer shine daydreams of tomorrow. Though once was said to beware the ides of March, I welcome it with the hope of and dreams of tomorrow. How do you keep the light shining?

page-break

Reverse Tattoo

Crowwitch is a spectacular balance of chaos and order. This energetic hockey, soccer, ringette, karate, mom works hard to keep up with her two brilliantly funny children, and enjoy some quiet time with her devoted partner in the evenings. She also maintains a personal website called Crowwitch.

Leave a comment

Filed under Crowwitch